Yassen Gregorovich Survival Guide
by Dragon Rider of Alagaesia
Summary: This is what we ALL want to know: How to survive Yassen. What to do and what not to do around our fav assassin.
1. What NOT to do

What not to do to Yassen Gregorovich--

1. I will not ask him if his gun is loaded--

2. Nor will I ask him if it works.

3. I will not rewire his cellphone ring to play the Barney theme song.

4. I will not sign him up for a gun control speech at a local school without his permission.

5. I will not stare in horror at him and then smile and say, "Oh. Nevermind... thought you were someone else..."

6. I will not make up a language and ask him for directions.

7. I will not point out that he gives off that creepy stalker vibe everywhere he goes.

8. I will not spontaneously start crying in his presence in the middle of a crowded supermarket.

9. I will not wait till he's asleep then rig an alarm while yelling,"FIRE!"

10. I will not ask him if he knows any experienced suicide bombers.

11. I will not start singing 'London Bridge is falling Down' whenever he walks into the room.

12. I will not question him on why he thinks killing his ex-partner's brother is less worse than killing his son.

13. I will not drop a pen and wait until he reaches to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

14. I will not announce when I'm going to the bathroom.

15. I will not ask him to prove everything he says. (ex. "I'm Yassen, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")

16. I will not tell him my life story.

17. I will not ask for HIS life story.

18. I will not be sure to ask for the emotional parts in his life story.

19. I will not randomly whisper in his ear, "I know what you did last summer."

20. I will not tell him my problems.

21. I will not stand in a doorway and glare at Yassen whenever he tries to get by.

22. I will not put a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign on a carpeted area.

23. I will not ask to borrow a pencil, then chew on it before returning to Yassen.

24. I will not claim that I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if he did not direct the comment to me.

25. I will not deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in his brain, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

26. Every time he asks me to do something or says something to me, I will not ask "Is that a threat?"

27. Every time I see him, I will not shout, "So, we meet again!" and laugh evilly.

28. I will not go up to him and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.

29. I will not learn Morse code, and have conversations with imaginary friends around him consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

30. I will not give him a new nickname every five minutes.(ex. "That's a good point, Sparky" , "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.")

31. I will not play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then ask Yassen to keep it down.

32. I will not continue to ask him, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.


	2. Dating with Yassen

What to do on a date with Yassen:

1. Ask the waiter if they have any live food.(this may not get a big response in Scottish restaurants, Indian take-outs, or McDonald's.)

2. Tell him, "Look over there!" And then steal his food.

3. When he turns back, call him a pig for eating so much.

4. Hold the dinner knife(preferably a steak knife) and ask him if you can see his for a second or two.

5. Do origami with the table napkins.

6. Ask for a child's menu and crayons.(especially if the table cloth is expensive and easily drawn on)

7. Talk about your previous dating history. And be sure to mention your lonely, heartbroken days you spent at home with your fifteen cats.

8. Comment on the food on the table next to you.(Ex. "Hey! Why can't WE order the cobra heart?" ..or, "I didn't know it was legal to cook Uranium into soup!")

9. Keep your eyes on the fire exit, backdoor, or any other emergency location. Shift your eyes and tell Yassen, "This is fun, because I 'totally' trust you!"

10. Order the most expensive thing on the menu. Make Yassen pay for it.

11. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

12. Say, "Yassen! I can not believe you forgot to order Bob's plate!" and point to your imaginary friend...

13. Excuse yourself to the restroom. Go inside and turn on a movie sound effect system. Make sure it includes the illusion of a violent fight. Afterwards, ruffle your hair, and walk out calmly.(fake blood adds to the effect...)

14. If Yassen questions the noise or blood--"Oh? Um, well...the darned sink handle wouldn't turn on, and I strained myself...What do you mean? That _**I'M**_ the one hiding something??"

15. Start crying and scream out, "NO! I have a date who's trying to relate to me!!"

16. Sneak into the kitchen, drug Yassen's meal with some high voltage energy drink formula. Then get it on tape.

17. Broadcast the tape on youtube international and translate it into every language known to man.

18. Be sure to put Blunt's name on the video you posted.


	3. Partners In Time

What Not to Do When Partnering With Yassen:

1. I will not give him the codename "Princess Anastasia".

2. I'm not allowed to threaten our target with my magical abilities.

3. I will not do my famous barbie girl dance while on duty with him.

4. I will not contradict his orders. Even if I'm right.

5. I will try not to antagonize the SAS.( Yassen doesn't want to share his hobby.)

6. I will not put a cardboard figure of myself in front of my lookout when I get bored.

7. I cannot blame any of my actions on the cardboard cutout.(see 6)

8. I will not eat in front of Yassen unless I'm willing to share.

9. I will not trade his gun in for "magic beans".

10. I will not quote Dr. Seuss to help Yassen keep his spirit up.

11. I will not borrow his mafia staff car.

12. I will not EVER try to use my "Jedi Mind Tricks" on him.

13. I will not shoot children for being rude.( Yassen is too much of a softy to let me get away with it anyway...)

14. I will not have a cook-out and make s'mores. Even if I share.

15. I will not interrogate workers at pasta&pizza restaurants on whether they are part of the Italian mafia. Especially if they aren't even Italian.

16. I will not forget that Yassen has a deep passion for spiced lasagna, and therefore, keep the above in mind when we go out to eat.

17. I will not get us matching uniforms.

18. I will not get within two inches of target range and then complain that I forgot to reload my gun.


	4. International Peeves

International Peeves

For The Australian:

1. Ask Yassen(every time you see him), "Hot enough for you?" Wink and make a sizzling noise. Yassen HATES inside jokes that he doesn't know about.

2. Dress up(and constantly quote) like Crocodile Dundee. When Yassen is around, do some sweet action moves and recruit him for your next 'hunt'.(and try to not get arrested for killing wildlife, ruining the serenity of nature, decapitating any nearby locals, etc, etc.)

3. Take your hunt to the beach and begin questioning small children on whether they have seen any suspicious looking characters lately(glance at Yassen's visibly present gun while doing so).

4. Go up to random people on the beach and scream out insanely annoying phrases like, "YOU! Off my planet!", "Out Of The Gene Pool!", etc, etc. When they turn to stare, explain that Yassen is possessed by an evil spirit from the planet Juju, bending you to his will.

5. Explain to Yassen of your diabolical plan to change the name of Australia, to Aaaaaaaustralia for sheer bragging rights of being first in the olympic march.

6. Always refer to Yassen as; Sheila, despite his gender.

For the British

1. Quote Alex Rider, James Bond, and Sherlock Holmes constantly. It really makes Yassen jealous.

2. Dress up as one of the above. (see 1)

3. Hum "London Bridge is falling down" whenever Yassen gets a new target. (see chapter 1)

4. Explain the origins of the song(see 3). Be sure to make Yassen the sinister villain who ends up causing London bridge to fall down.

5. Whenever Yassen gets angry, claim he is having 'Harry Potter Angst'(1)

6. Go into a foreign country, buy Yassen some goldfish for his birthday, and then ask if they come with chips.

For the French

1. Accuse Yassen of being too British.

2. Commence to singing "Frere Jacques whenever Yassen looks tired.

3. Stare at Yassen. Frown. And state that he is way behind in the fashion world.

4. Attempt to imitate a Russian accent. (if you're good at accents, forget it)

5. Insist that French is the only language you know. Then start speaking Spanish in front of Yassen. Constantly. Pretend to be a Spaniard stuck in a frenchman/women's body.(this also works well vice-versa)

6. If the above works, wear a sombrero, and whenever the Eiffel tower is mentioned say, "The what tower?!"

For The American

1. Inform Yassen of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

2. Put on a southern American accent. Be sure to drawl out all 'aaaahs'(if you are southern, put on a northern accent)

3. Bug Yassen until he admits that he is cahoots with the dirty work of McDonald's and Microsoft.

4. Question him about what he did to the American soldiers on Air Force One. Start crying. (2)

5. (slightly variating number 5 for Australia), explain to Yassen of your diabolical plan to change the name of the USA to 'Aaaaaaamerica of United States, just so you can be before Argentina in the olympic march.

6. Refer to Yassen as a soviet. Always. Constantly. Remain in denial and refuse to acknowledge the fact that Russia and the Soviet Union are the same country.

For The Canadian

1. Decide to give in to the Canadian steriotype, and say 'eh?' at the end of every sentence. Even if it is unrealistic and makes no sense.(ex: You were a little slow on that gun sling, eh?)

2. Insist upon criticizing any hockey team that isn't Canadian, when watching TV sport shows with Yassen.

3. Test taste and rate any non-Canadian maple syrup. Never give it a higher rating than three.

4. Whine that Russia is only a _**'little' **_bit bigger than Canada and that being called the _second _largest country is condescending.

5. Point out that all the great celebrities are Canadian. Use Examples.(ex: Tom Welling, Jim Carrey, Alex Trebek, Keanu Reeves etc., etc...)

6. Point out that Canada ranks the number one country in the world for education. Then write Yassen a letter with various misspells and typos.

For The Scottish

1. Explain the 'real' story of the Loch ness monster.(refer to her as 'Old Nessie")

2. Prolong the story to hours.(see 1)

3. Point out constantly that you will avenge Yassen for killing Ian Rider, who you claim is actually a perfectly innocent Scottish actor.(3)

4. If he doesn't believe you(see 3), warn him that Ian Rider is also a part time Jedi who blew Darth Maul to kingdom come.(4)

5. Learn one phrase in Russian, "Ya ne paneemau", which means, "I do not understand."

6. Whenever he speaks. Quote the above.

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A/N- I can't think of anything else at the moment but if you have any ideas/requests, please let me know ;) Also, please note that nothing in my fics are meant to offend anyone(except Yassen :D)

Send me your comments-Review!

1. reference to "Potter Puppet Pals"

to "Eagle Strike" by Anthony Horowitz

3. reference using 'Ewan McGregor'.(most amazing actor ever! *_* -dazzled-)

4. reference to "Star Wars"

I do not own and am not affiliated with any of the above(darn it! :P)


	5. Rules According To Yassen

Yassen's Rules For Training

Here are the rules laid out by Yassen for all of his naive new recruits in attempt to rid himself of their stupidity, he has carefully written the most crucial points to being an assassin.--

1. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

2. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

3. Not allowed to get shot.

4. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

5. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

6. Shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my  
chain of command.

7. Aliens are not in our chain of command.

8. I am not the Emperor of anything.

9. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not  
need to be brought into the office.

10. Furby is not allowed into classified areas. (A/N-I swear that I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy OO).

11. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat  
Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to  
deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

12. No part of the combat uniform is edible.

13. The revolution is not now.

15. The proper way to report to my Commander is "—insert name here--,  
reporting as ordered, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"

16. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

17. Nerve gas is not funny.

18. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

19. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

20. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer  
applies to me.

21. The proper response to a direct order is not "Why?"

22. I do not have super-powers.

23. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

--Compiled by Yassen G.


	6. Dying With Yassen

A/N- I was going to update my other stories...but hey, this works too. Noooo...I am not a procrastinator!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yassen or anything Alex Rider related. Some ideas came from dbbooth, billbee book series, and multiple actual happenings from me and my crazy friends.(what?)

Ooh, and idea for this chapter came from bluehyperpixie, because I was too lazy to be unique. (plus it's better for me to blame it on someone else when Yassen inquires. ;D)

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Famous Last Words said While With Yassen Gregorovich

and

What Not To Say When Getting Ready To Meet Your Death With Yassen The Assassin

1. I saw them do this on TV!

2. A Duck? Where?!

3. Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

4. Let's split up. We'll cover more ground.

5. Oops.

6. Safety harness?

7. Wheeeeeee!

8. I love you.

9. I love you, dad!(speaking to Yassen)

10. I CAN FLY!

11. Wait; Did that sign say electric fence?

12. No silly, that's a dolphin fin!

13. What's that red dot on your forehead Yassen?

14. Oh yeah? They did it in the Matrix...

15. C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!

16. Wait, I thought he was with you!

17. I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.

18. Helloooo? Is anyone home?

19. Don't be so superstitious Yassen...

20. Hey Yassen, what does this button do?

21. It's not flammable.

22. The odds of that happening are a million to one!

23. "It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du..."

24. Pull the pin and count to what?

25. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

26. I dunno, press the button and find out.

27. Hey, what's that beeping sound?

28. No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago!

29. Yes, I'm single.

30. NO! This cannot be, I'm invincible!

31. What? I never signed any organ donor papers!

32. These pills are awfully small..I'll take a few more to make sure they work...

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	7. Stuck In an bombI MEAN ELEVATOR!

What To Do While Stuck In an Elevator With Yassen:

3. Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When Yassen enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."

4. Bring a chair along.

5. Call out, "Group hug!" and enforce it with Yassen only.

6. Collect an elevator tax.

7. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say, "Woops!...nevermind..."

8. Have a seizure. Explain to Yassen that he must save your life with some old fashioned CPR.

9. Leave a box in a corner, and when Yassen gets on(the elevator), ask if he hears something ticking.

10. Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, "I wonder why this was glued on the door?"

11. Sing: "I know a song that gets on every hitman's nerves, eeeevery hitman's nerves, eeeeverrrrv hitman's nerves, Oooh, I know a song that gets on every hitman's nerves and-THIS-IS-HOW-IT-GOOOOES!" Pause and repeat verse.

12. Stare at Yassen for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" Move to the far corner of the elevator.

13. Widen your eyes at Yassen and exclaim ,"I swear I paid my taxes! I SWEAR! DON'T KILL ME GOSHDARNIT!"

14. Tell Yassen not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.

Getting Off the Elevator:

15. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently

16. In an elevator, when Yassen is exiting, whisper, "I love you," as the doors close.(made up by Full Metal Jonin)

17. Say, "Now, where did I leave that bomb?" while glancing at the closing doors.

18. When the doors finally open, block Yassen and the passengers behind you exclaiming, "Oops. Now, which one of those civilians did I forget to shoot?"

19. Stalk Yassen as he emerges. If he asks why you are following say, "I've been watching you in the elevator for the last thirty seconds... You're creepy!"

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A/N-Just a quick little snippet. After ten chapters of this I will write a full fledged story to go along with it :) Please let me know one thing:

Should the companion story be in:

A. Regular Story Format

B. Script Format

?? Please let me know which one you prefer!


	8. Preview Excerpts

Okay, so I will be watching the Twilight movie several times this month(*_*)So I posted some excerpts early to show what is to come. Be honest and review. I write parody scripts far better than story format, so you are forewarned of crappy writing.

Warnings: Out of character(to you probably, not to me! Mwauhahaha!), random babblings

Disclaimer: I do not own AR(lucky for you!), Harry Potter, or...anything else mentioned pretty much v_v

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Preview One:

Yassen was put-out. Not only was he stuck 30,000 feet above ground, but he had also struck out on ideas of how to kill off his new trainee. He had _already _fed one of his pupils to a great white.

-Force them to listen to Miley Cyrus songs. Check.

-Plant a bomb inside a large strudel. Check.

-Disguise yourself as the prime minister and pretend that you think you're Britney Spears. Check plus brownies points! That had caused instant heart attacks.

He supposed he could whip out the old dried pasta trick, but it just so overdone! And using a gun wasn't creative enough.

Perhaps he could borrow John Rider's idea and rent High School musical.

Cringing at the thought, he smiled. Living through that movie had proved to John how much potential he had. Many watch HSM, few are seen alive again.

Speaking of his trainee...

"Did you know that every time a plane crashes, an angel gets his wings?" Bob smiled dreamily and the Asian man sitting next to him suddenly looked deathly pale.

"I-uh. No, no."

"Do you want to see my batman underwear?"

"Um..."

Yassen tried to kick his trainee in the foot, but missed.

"AAH!" The other man yelled.

"What was that for Yassen? I was just about to tell him about cannibalism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands! Nurse! We need some help over here."

"Don't."

"Why?"

"They're called stewardesses, not nurses."

"Why?"

"Because they are."

"Why?"

Yassen commenced to swearing under his breath and Bob frowned. Suddenly an gremlin-like creature popped up on Yassen's shoulder.

Devil Yassen: Do it now. No one will know. A little strangle will do the trick.

Yassen was about to take him up on the suggestion when a miniature angel appeared on his other shoulder.

Angel Yassen: You don't want to do that Yassen! You're better than that!

Devil Yassen: No he's not.

Angel Yassen: Okay, so you aren't. But who's to say you can't learn from your mistakes?

Devil Yassen: You mean his past thirty seven recruits that died?

Angel Yassen: What the?!? YOU FREAKING KILLED THIRTY SEVEN TRAINEES?!? Man, you are so going to hell! –poofs away-

Yassen: -_-

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Preview Two:

It was a damp, flickering compartment. Yassen Gregorovich had just stepped inside the metro and commenced to scanning the enclosed compartment with an unnatural gaze, looking for any possible threat.

Quietly he made his way to one of the seats in the back, as, all of the front compartments were taken up by teenagers, which he found unusual and revolting as teenagers were disgusting creatures whose only purpose was to take up breathing space. He didn't quite understand them, and truthfully, he didn't ever remember being one.

"Last call for Hogwarts!"

Yassen paused. What was the conductor talking about? He was just trying to get a rider down to liverpool. But it wasn't like he had taken the wrong ride or anything. He never did that! Or did he?

_Oh well_, he thought and plopped down onto the plush seat.

During the ride, Yassen met a angst ridden schoolboy and discovered how much they had in common. Having deceased parents, sexy scars, and the fact they are both occasionally possessed by Lord Voldemort, Yassen was thrilled to finally find someone who understood him.

"So how do you take care of the fangirl problem?" Harry asked.

"Shoot them," Yassen said simply.

"You kill all those innocent girls?!?" Harry exclaimed. Yes, they bothered him, but having an army of women chasing you did have it's occasional advantages.

"Innocent? Have you even _read_ any fanfiction stories? They hook you up with Draco in steamy romance scenes, all the time! ...Harry? Harry! HARRY?!?"

But Harry cannot answer because he has just choked on the water he was drinking. The truth was too horrible for his already angst filled mind to handle.

Yassen thinks back to his emergency life-saving classes that he learned back at school and-

"Argh! They didn't teach us any life-saving classes at mob school!"

Angel Yassen: Pssst! –whispers-

Yassen: Ooooh.

**----INSERT CPR SCENE HERE----**

"You saved me Yassen!" Harry exclaimed. –cue Best Friends Forever theme- "But woudl it kill you to brush your teeth?" –abrupt stop to music-

"We never speak of this to anyone." Yassen said shiftily.

"Obviously. Thanks goodness no one was listening to us or anything!" Harry smiled happily.

And unknown to both of them, Bob was sitting in the compartment behind him, broadcasting his hidden camera via YouTube. Ah yes, his blackmail had only begun.

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Preview Three:

Yassen was halfway through, 'The Little Mermaid' when he heard the doorbell ring.

"Delivery!" A voice shouted through his door.

Yassen angrily opened the lock. "I didn't order anythi-"

And of course there was his trainee standing with a stupid smile on his face. "I thought we could have some male bonding time since it was your day off and all."

"Oh. Uhm..."Yassen was careful to make sure he was blocking the television. If his Disney princess obsessions were to be discovered... Just the thought of it made him shiver!

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Preview Four:

"I cannot believe a cop is following us!" Yassen shouted in his trainees ears. "If Rothman were to find out about the most deadly killer in the world-"

"Don't worry. Bob is one smooth operator," Bob said.

He rolled the window down as the policeman approached.

"Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me!" Bob exclaimed.

The officer frowned, "Are you aware of why you were pulled over?"

"No, but I'm sure glad one of us does."

Yassen nearly choked on his own tongue. This idiot was hanging himself. He nudged Bob with his arm and coughed a hint.

Bob turned and whispered loudly enough for the policeman to hear, "Don't worry Yassen. I'm sure he won't check the trunk."

The officer blinked. "Do you have an explanation for abusing the speed limit?"

"Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. What's that Yassen? Oh yeah, he had nothing to do with it."

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

"What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum." Yassen tossed him a gun.

"What's that?"

"It's a deadly assassin's weapon. One that someone as inferior as yourself could not possibly begin to understand."

"It looks like bazooka." The officer stared at it in disbelief.

"IT'S NOT A BAZOOKA! Bad cop! No doughnut!"


End file.
